"I hate networking events because I’m uncomfortable making small talk. I don’t know what to say . . . but I know it’s inhibiting my awareness of opportunities. What can I do?"
Do you feel uncomfortable starting conversations? Do you dislike small talk? If so, you’re not alone. Approximately 40 percent of the population is shy, so there’s a good chance that others who seem preoccupied or aloof are struggling for something to say to you. But whether you’re up for a promotion or looking for a new job, small talk can help create connections.
Studies show that the ability to converse with people is an essential trait for career success. Being adept at connecting with others through small talk can lead to big things. Though it’s often ridiculed as fluffy or fake, discussing personal interests, current events and, especially, what we have in common, helps us to see others as more than just the jobs they perform.
Many of us shy away from starting conversations with people we’ve never met, especially those who rank higher or lower on the organizational ladder. Technology isn’t helping matters. Email and instant messaging is supplanting face-to-face interactions resulting in faster, shorter, more distant communication.
Building rapport is a skill that requires practice. Don’t wait for someone to take interest in you. Take the first step.
Practice. Chat with one new person every day. Converse with everyone you meet: cashiers, waiters, people in the grocery checkout line, neighbors, tourists. Talk in doctors’ waiting rooms and cocktail parties. Accept invitations.
Prepare. Before an event, review possible discussion topics. Stay on top of current events. Skim your newspaper’s sports and business sections; check out book and movie reviews. Spare-time interests, vacation plans, restaurants, music and fashion are great discussion topics Remember things about the host, such as his passion for a charity.
Look for commonality. While you can’t build a trusting relationship in an evening, and it’s inappropriate to share too much personal information when you don’t know people well, find areas of mutual interest.
Be approachable. Watch your body language. People who look ill at ease make others uncomfortable. Act confident and comfortable. Avoid crossing your arms or maintaining a ‘poker face.’ A smile, a nod, and a handshake are welcoming.
Say hello first. Introduce yourself and give a tidbit of information. For example, "Hi, I’m John. I just moved to the area from ______. I really like ________." Remember names and use them frequently.
If you’ve met the person before, but are not sure the individual will remember you, offer your name to ease pressure. Say something like, "Good to see you again." Smile and shake hands. If there are people you want to meet, ask a mutual friend for introductions.
Start a conversation by relating to something you both have in common. Discuss a mutual interest or make a general comment about the situation you’re in. If all else fails, talk about the weather.
Always have something to say when people ask you what’s new. Don’t say, "Not much." Elaborate. Similarly, when asked how your weekend went, "Fine" isn’t good enough. However, avoid pressuring yourself to come up with something witty and wonderful.
Try visual cues. Wear unusual accessories such as a pin that can serve as a conversation piece. Having a favorite object on your desk tells people something about you.
Get the person talking by asking an open-ended question about the event, a hot news topic or something personal. Think of questions that begin with why, how or what. "How long have you been coming to these conventions?" "What do you think of . . .?"
Revive a dying conversation. One of the easiest ways to keep a conversation going is to compliment a person. "I love your suit." "It must have taken a lot of courage to start your own business." If you’re in a small group, say something like, "I just read (book title)" or "I just saw (movie title). Has anyone read (seen) it?"
Listen more than talk. Stay focused on your conversational partner by listening and giving feedback. Maintain eye contact. Never glance around the room while the other person speaking. Before entering into a conversation that’s already in progress, observe and listen. You don’t want to squash the dynamics with an unsuited or ill-timed remark.
Avoid personal, philosophical, political and controversial topics. Stay away from negative, naughty stories, jokes and loose language. Refrain from long-winded stories or too much detail in casual conversations.
Exit a conversation graciously. Make a good impression and leave people wanting more. When you feel the conversation reaching a logical pause, it’s okay to say, "I’ve enjoyed talking to you, but I don’t want to monopolize your time." "I need to check in with a client over there." Exchange business cards if you want to get to know the person better.
If a dull person is holding you hostage, offer a two-minute warning. "I must make a phone call in a few minutes, but I’ve really enjoyed talking to you." Most will hear this and close down.
Use small talk during job interviews. Don’t be ‘me focused’ and push your networking needs. See the interviewer as a person. Make small talk at the beginning of an interview. Show interest in the company, its future and the job. Ask questions. Respond to conversational overtures. Don’t answer only "yes" or "no." Elaborate.
Practice connecting with others. Small talk is the starting point of all relationships and business deals.
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